


now don't you shut this down

by beware_of_you



Series: only love [7]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F, GIVE THEM ALL THE HUGS, it's angsty bros, it's trauma tyme bby, soft gays being soft gays, they deserve the world!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:15:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25631161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beware_of_you/pseuds/beware_of_you
Summary: what the hell is she doing to emily, to herself? emily had come through for her time and time again and jj's only repaid her with cold impassiveness. it's as if emily doesn't mean shit to her when that's so far from the truth.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Series: only love [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1838533
Comments: 6
Kudos: 74





	now don't you shut this down

**Author's Note:**

> so uh this might be like 10 parts and i'm still in the process of writing the last two 
> 
> it might end angsty unless ya'll want a happy epilogue but,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
> 
> anyway leave comments n kudos n freak out over these sad gays

JJ tosses the small neon green ball up in the air above her head, catching it in her palm before it smacks back down onto her face.

[It's really just a high quality rubber balloon that's filled generously with flour with a large rubber bouncy ball acting as the center mass. It's simple, but it does it's job just fine. She likes the give of the flour, how dense it is in the middle so it's not _completely_ soft and squishy when she squeezes it. It hits against her palm solidly whenever she catches it. It makes a soft crinkled sound that's not as loud as store bought stress toys filled with micro-beads. It's got some heft, which makes it great to toss around like this. It's overall a great distraction tool.]

She gives the homemade stress toy a squeeze, hard enough for her fingers to ache, before she tosses it back up in the air again with her left hand. She has to roll on her side and extend her arm in the gap between the beds to snatch it before it hits the ground. She grimaces uncomfortably at the force of the smack as it hits her palm— it _stings_. She carefully maneuvers the ball to her free hand, giving the impacted hand a good shake, fingers clenching and unclenching together slowly.

Her eyes shoot up briefly to the other bed to check on Emily.

She's curled in the middle of the mattress, hair splayed out in every direction with an arm resting over her eyes, hand balled into a loose fist. Her mouth is agape, her breath blowing loose strands of hair from her face. Her knees are bent up, making her appear smaller than she really is.

JJ's eyes soften slightly at the other woman's figure.

They hadn't talked at all since landing in France. The only words that had been spoken were by JJ to the hotel clerk, using what little French she still remembered from high school to check them into the room Hotch must have booked for them before they arrived.

She swung the door open to reveal hands down the most luxurious suite she had ever seen in her life. It has two queen size beds, a bathroom, a small kitchenette that they can cook their meals from. Two beautiful, large ferns in huge pots sat in the furthest corners of the room. It's decently sized with modern features, bright white walls with a sliding glass door that leads out to a balcony. It overlooks the city in a picture perfect way, the Eiffel Tower just a few hundred yards away. She had to admit, it was beautiful, and would probably be just as breathtaking at night.

It's not exactly helping her to remain professional, though. It just makes things just a bit more difficult, makes her job just that more painful. It makes her yearn for something she can't have, not right now. Not if she wants to make it through these 21 days as quickly and painlessly as possible.

JJ had set their bags down and had taken residency on the bed closest to the hallway door, allowing Emily to take the one next to the balcony. Neither one had spoken as the brunette dug around in a duffel bag, had popped two painkillers dry and had collapsed on the bed out of pure exhaustion. She's been out ever since.

Though, her rest looks anything but peaceful. She has a frown on her face, lips tugged down at the edges. She's still in the outfit she flew in, still in her shoes. She keeps tossing and turning in her sleep, soft, almost inaudible whimpers escaping her mouth.

JJ watches her carefully, slowly setting down the ball on the side table that separates the beds. She observes cautiously, wincing at every sharp movement Emily makes in her sleep. She's wondering if she should wake her, to at least ensure that she's not hurting herself more when Emily's movements become frantic.

It's as if she's fending off an invisible attacker, a sheen of sweat covering her forehead. Her arms flail manically, her legs kicking out rapidly. The noises she makes are more panicked and pained. Loud, desperate whimpers of, "No, no, stop!" and several phrases that sound like desperate pleas. She swears she even hears her own name fall from the older woman's lips, a thin, pain-filled cry that's muffled by the pillows.

JJ slinks from her own bed and over to Emily's side. She startles, jumping back when Emily shoots upright in the bed. She remains as still as a statue, watching Emily's reactions carefully.

She's sweating profusely despite the cold temperature of the room. Tiny wisps of raven colored hair cling to her forehead, to her cheek. Her breathing is erratic, shudders out through her teeth in long, drawn out pants. Her trembling hands come up to clutch at her face, to muffle her sobs in her palms. Her legs come up to her chest, fingers gripping her own hair tightly.

JJ's heart fucking shatters at the sight, her own guilt kicking her square in the gut. She bites down on her inner cheek, eyes burning with shameful tears at every whimper that comes from Emily's mouth.

JJ cares so much for this woman, loves her so much it _hurts_. Seeing Emily in pain is worse than getting shot, physically hurts her own chest as if she can feel the older woman's pain. She needs Emily like she needs oxygen. She's a vital part of JJ's life, was so vital to Henry's.

JJ's so _afraid_ of losing her, possibly losing her for good because Doyle is one of the most prolific unsubs she has ever come across. The thought of the team not being able to find him, of her losing Emily for good is haunting, a looming possibility that's hanging over her head like a dark cloud. Pushing Emily away spares them both the emotional turmoil that's inevitable to face.

All that's done is make things worse.

JJ and Hotch never once visited Emily in the for fear of drawing too much attention to themselves, to her. Once a week, Hotch would get an update from the head surgeon from a disposable cell, just to let him know how Emily was recovering. She had been on her own in a hospital, the one place she truly hates the most, surrounded by unfamiliar faces. She had been _alone_ , scared to death that Doyle would come back for her. She had been in so much pain and never had anyone to help her through it, no one to help her with the nightmares. And when she finally sees a familiar face, she's treated as if she means nothing.

JJ feels fucking awful. She's been a terrible friend, an absolutely horrible person to someone who she's so deeply in love with. She really has a shitty way of showing her love for Emily, she scolds herself harshly.

What the hell is she doing to Emily, to herself? Emily had come through for her time and time again and JJ's only repaid her with cold impassiveness. It's as if Emily doesn't mean shit to her when that's so far from the truth.

JJ can't keep doing this, resolve breaking with each and every sob that shudders from the brunette. To hell with being scared. She _refuses_ to be afraid any longer.

Emily's _hurting_.

Emily _needs_ to know someone is there for her.

Emily _deserves_ to have someone there.

This time, JJ needs to be the one to take care of Emily. And JJ will be damned if she doesn't get her shit together and start acting like she cares as much as she swears to herself she does.

Tentatively, JJ reaches out for the brunette, setting her fingertips just against her bicep. The pressure is light, just enough to let Emily know that she's here, that she's not going to let her go through this alone.

_Not anymore._

Emily jolts, flinching at JJ's touch as if she's been shocked. Still, JJ remains where she is, refusing to move, refusing to be pushed away.

Emily's hands slide up her face, grip at the strands of hair resting just on top of her head. Her expression is completely heart breaking, so broken and lost. She looks impossibly young and fragile, like she's on the verge of breaking.

JJ stands slowly, sitting just a few feet away from her. She doesn't want to hover, doesn't want to suffocate Emily and make her feel uncomfortable. But it's physically _painful_ to see Emily like this. She offers her hand wordlessly as something for Emily to hold onto, something to ground herself.

Emily grips it tightly as if it were a lifeline. Her breath shudders as their fingers naturally interlock, as her palm presses firmly into the blonde's. JJ's arms wrap firmly around her when she moves closer, careful to mind the older woman's injured side. She wants to check, to make sure none of the stitching was ripped during Emily's nightmares, but puts the thought at the back of her mind.

Her fingers of her free hand come up and stroke through Emily's hair, massaging her scalp slowly. She doesn't talk, doesn't make empty promises and doesn't try to convince Emily that she's safe. She doesn't pry, doesn't ask about what was going on in Emily's head before she woke up. She doesn't press for answers.

Instead, she silently holds the brunette even as her sobbing subsides, even as her body stops shaking. She keeps their hands tightly interlocked, her thumb stroking the back of Emily's hand soothingly.

JJ doesn't know how long they stay like that in silence, wrapped up in each tightly. At some point, they laid back down in the bed (Emily had let JJ check her side very briefly, but it was enough to confirm the stitches were all still in place).

Emily curled her body into JJ's side, nestled her head under the blonde's chin. Their intertwines hands rest on JJ's chest, her other arm tucked up and under Emily's frame and resting on her back, their eyes locked on the city line outside the massive sliding glass door.

"I'm sorry," Emily croaks tiredly into the silent room.

JJ shakes her head once, giving the brunette's hand a firm squeeze. "You have nothing to apologize for." Emily turns in JJ's arms, but before she can respond, JJ presses a kiss on the older woman's forehead. "Go back to sleep. You need your rest."

When Emily tenses in her arms, JJ presses another kiss to the crown of her head. "I got you," she promises thickly against her hair. "I _got_ you."

With the reassurance, Emily's body finally relaxes and she gives into her exhaustion once more. She's back asleep in less than ten minutes.

JJ glances down at the woman in her arms briefly to confirm what she already knows. She nestles back into the pillows, finger tracing random shapes softly against Emily's back. Her eyes flicker back to the Parisian cityscape, focusing on the Eiffel Tower and the lights that line the structure.

Their hands remain together even as JJ finally gives into her own exhaustion.


End file.
